Karkat’s Quotes and Insults Masterpost

Yeeeeaaaah, in the last month or so I went through most of Karkat’s logs, collecting various insults and other quotes from him. Mostly for people to use as inspiration for their own Karkat insults, whether it be for fanfics or roleplaying, or for anyone who just wants to laugh at some of the hilarious things he ends up saying.

EDIT: Alright, well, I updated it now with a bunch of the newer Karkat logs! Supposing anyone’s interested.

Insults

CG: YOU DON’T GET THAT I AM BETTER AND SMARTER THAN YOU IN EVERY WAY, FOREVER.
CG: YOU DON’T GET THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE INCREDIBLY STUPID.


CG: I’M ENDING THIS CONVERSATION BECAUSE I’VE SAID IT ALL TOO MANY TIMES.
CG: AND BECAUSE YOU CAN’T UNDERSTAND.
CG: BECAUSE YOU ARE DUMB.


CG: JUST TELL HER WE’RE SORRY.
CG: AND TO GET HER GROSS AND TOTALLY UNATTRACTIVE HUMAN BUTT OFF HER UGLY HUMAN HIGH HORSE AND ANSWER MY MESSAGES.

SO PLEASE, GO SECRETE ME AN EARTH RIVER THROUGH YOUR STRANGE HUMAN TEAR DUCTS.

CG: YOU BLITHERING FECULENT SHITHOLE.

CG: YOUR BRITTLE HUMAN CALCIUM BASED SKULL IS WHAT IS WEAK, AND IF YOU AND I WERE IN THE PROXIMITY OF A BLUNT INSTRUMENT I WOULDN’T HAVE MUCH TROUBLE PROVING IT.

INSIPID BUNCH OF GRUBFISTED DOUCHEBAGS

CG: YOU HAVE SOUNDING STUPID DOWN TO SUCH A SCIENCE.
CG: WHERE IS YOUR LAB COAT AND TEST TUBES DOCTOR BRAIN PROFESSOR?

CG: OK, TIME OUT FOR THE IDIOT.
CG: THE IDIOT GETS A TIME OUT AND SHUTS UP FOR A SECOND.
CG: THAT’S YOU.

CG: I KNEW YOU WERE CHEATER LOWLIFE FUCKING SCUMBAG WITH NO SCRUPLES OR SELF ESTEEM AND WERE BASICALLY WORTHLESS ON EVERY LEVEL, BUT SOMEHOW I’M STILL DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.

CG: HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF YOUR COCOON IN THE MORNING KNOWING YOU’RE THE WORST THING A UNIVERSE WAS EVER RESPONSIBLE FOR?
CG: ALSO IT MUST BE HARD WITH YOUR HANDS TO PERSISTENTLY BOTHERING EVERY MUTATED SET OF GENITALS PEPPERING THAT GHASTLY HUSK YOU PAWN OFF AS A BODY.
CG: HAS A FEMALE EVER LOOKED AT YOU WITHOUT AT ONCE TURNING SKYWARD AND ERUPTING LIKE A VOMIT VOLCANO, ANSWER ME THAT.

CG: YOU’RE LIKE A ROCKET PROPELLED SPAZ MAGGOT SPRINGLOADED UP THE ASS OF A PSYCHEDELIC FUCKING FREAKOUT WEASEL ON IDIOT DRUGS SO LETS NOT PLAY MAKEBELIEVE GAMES HERE.

CG: YOU’RE EITHER BEING REALLY PERSISTENT WITH THIS TRANSPARENT RUSE, OR YOU REALLY ARE JUST THAT SAD AND INCOMPETENT.
CG: NEITHER CASE DESERVES MY RESPECT OR MY FRIENDSHIP.
CG: IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT, FRIENDSHIP CANCELED.
CG: THERE IT’S OFFICIAL, BYE BYE FRIENDSHIP!

CG: YES I’M GLAD YOU ASKED, BECAUSE THERE IS A WIDE OPEN SLOT FOR THE MOST VILE BACKSTABBING SOCIOPATH WHO EVER LIVED.

CG: NO. MORE LIKE TWITCHY EYED PROJECTILE VOMITING IN UTTER DISGUST FRIENDS, WHILE I PERFORATE MY BONE BULGE WITH A CULLING FORK.

 ?CG: I SEE NOTHING BUT A COWARD BEHIND DARK EYEWEAR CLEARLY DESIGNED FOR WOMEN AND A PAIR OF IMPUDENT LIPS PURSED SO TIGHT IT’LL SOUND LIKE AIR SQUEALING OUT OF A BALLOON WHEN I PUNCH YOU IN THE GUT.

CG: TOGETHER WE JUST TUGGED AT THE BOW TO UNRAVEL A PRESENT FULL OF GO FUCK YOURSELF.
CG: HAPPY WRIGGLING DAY YOU UGLY PILE OF TRASH.


PCG: YOU ADD DISORDERED SHIT RINSERS CAN’T KEEP YOUR LASCIVIOUS PRONGS OUT OF THE ROE HOLE, CAN YOU.

PCG: YOU CAN ALL ACT LIKE BRAINDEAD ASSWIPES IN YOUR OWN FESTERING FLAP OF PARADOX SPACE, FINE WITH ME.

PCG: SWEET MOTHER GRUB’S OOZING VESTIGIAL THIRD ORAL SPHINCTER.
PCG: HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE BE SO STUPID.

CG: YOU ARE SUCH AN IGNORAMUS I COULD SHIT MILES OF RAGE SNAKE TO CHOKE YOU TO DEATH.

CG: I THINK WE NEED TO GET BACK ON POINT HERE.
CG: WHICH IS ADDRESSING THE MATTER OF WHAT INCOMPREHENSIBLY PUTRID GARBAGE YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE AND HOW MUCH I HATE YOU.

CG: PREPARE TO GET YOUR PUNY HUMAN BULGE FLAMED INTO NUCLEAR HATEBLIVION.
CG: WELCOME TO THE TROLLOCAUST. THE PAINSTAKING GENOCIDE OF YOUR FRAGILE SELF ESTEEM WILL BE MY SWAN SONG.

CG: WELL FINE, SAYONARA YOU WORTHLESS CROTCHSTAINED BARFPUPPET.
CG: I WILL BID YOU ONE FIRST AND FINAL FUCK YOU.
CG: FUCK YOU, JOHN EGBERT.
CG: FUCK YOU AND FUCK THE JOKE BOOK YOU RODE IN ON.
CG: FUCK.
CG: FUCKING.
CG: YOU.

CG: THEY’RE A MISERABLE POINTLESS CROP OF LIFEFORMS FROM A MEANINGLESS BORING PUSTULE OF A PLANET.

CCG: IF I WASN’T SO TERRIFIED, I’D BE CONSUMED WITH ANGER, AND AS SOON AS I’M DONE COWERING IN A DARK CORNER HIDING FROM THAT HONKING MURDEROUS TOOL, I’M GOING TO HUNT YOU DOWN AND FILLET YOU WITH MY SICKLE.

I JUST GOT DONE ERUPTING A WHOLE VOLCANO OF MERCILESS FUCK YOU ON THE PRIMITIVE VILLAGE LOCATED SQUARELY ON YOUR CROTCH.
CG: ASSUMING THAT’S A SUITABLY TERRIBLE PART OF HUMAN ANATOMY FOR A VILLAGE IN JEOPARDY TO EXIST.

YOU WINDSOCK HEADED SHITMOUTH.

KARKAT: YOU SMELL BAD.
DAVE: dont talk to me about rank smells
DAVE: you are the fuckin big man of smellin bad
DAVE: you dominate the paint with your stonk
KARKAT: MY LUSUS BROUGHT THINGS HOME THAT SMELLED MORE APPEALING THAN YOU.
KARKAT: IMPORTANT FACT: 100% OF WHAT HE BROUGHT HOME WAS EITHER A DEAD ANIMAL, OR LITERAL FECES.

DAVE: this is just an old fashioned beatdown where im from deal with it
KARKAT: WHY DON’T YOU OLD FASHIONED GO FUCK YOURSELF?

KARKAT: WELL, FUCK.
KARKAT: LOOKS LIKE HE’S STILL AN IDIOT.

KARKAT: DON’T BE ALL LIKE YOU’RE TOO BUSY TO PICK UP, WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO KID.
KARKAT: YOU ARE QUITE POSSIBLY THE ONLY PERSON ON THIS METEOR WHO’S GOT EVEN LESS ON HIS NUTRITION PLATEAU THAN ME.
KARKAT: EVEN THE MAYOR HAS A MORE DEMANDING SCHEDULE THAN WE DO, LET’S FACE THE FUCKING FACTS.

KARKAT: WHY YOU ABHORRENT COLUMN OF SMARMY FILTH.

KARKAT: WELL WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BARK???
DAVE: because youre having a mental breakdown
KARKAT: WHY DON’T YOU HAVE A MENTAL GO FUCK YOURSELF?

YOU SOUND ABOUT AS THREATENING AS SOME MILD FLATULENCE I ONCE HAD 

Metaphors

CG: OK I DON’T SEE HOW WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE BECOMING FRIENDS IF YOU RECOIL FROM MY OLIVE BRANCH LIKE I’M WIGGLING A GNARLED TREE MONSTER’S DICK IN YOUR DIRECTION.

CG: EVEN THOUGH WE HATE YOU.
CG: AND EVEN THOUGH THE FACT THAT WE HATE YOU
CG: IS AN IMMUTABLE FACT AS UNALTERABLE AS THIS WRITHING KNOTTED HELL OF A TIMELINE CHOKING US ALL TO DEATH
CG: IT DOES NOT MEAN WE HAVE ANY REASON TO WITHHOLD ANY INFORMATION FROM YOU

CG: IT’S GOING TO BE LIKE THAT HUMAN VACATION WITH THE GIANT RED CHIMNEY ASSHOLE UP IN HERE.
CG: YOU KNOW, THE ONE WHERE A BUNCH OF MOANY NOOKSUCKERS SING AT A LITTLE PINE TREE I THINK.

CG: WELL WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS.
CG: HERE IS MY SHIT, AND YET IT REMAINS UNFLIPPED.
CG: JUST SITTING THERE ON THE SKILLET, GETTING BURNED ON ONE SIDE.

CG: MIRACLES ARE LIKE POOP STAINS ON GOD’S UNDERWEAR.

CG: I’M GOING TO ROCK THE COCK OFF THIS WEATHERVANE AND THE BLUE TEAM WILL WISH THEY NEVER SLITHERED OUT OF THE MOTHER GRUB’S HEINOUS UNDULATING ASSHOLE.

CG: I COULD HATE A HOLE IN PARADOX SPACE ITSELF, STRAIGHT THROUGH TO A NEW REALITY FRESH FOR THE HATING.

PCG: AND SO THE PORCINE HOOF BELONGING TO THE SWOLLEN HAG KNOWN AS LADY DESTINY HAS STOMPED ANOTHER THROAT.


CCG: WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT GOING ALONG WITH MY SIMPLE PLAN TO SERVE A FEW PINK SKINNED DOUCHE BAGS A PIPING HOT NUTRITION PLATEAU FULL OF FUCK YOU.

 ?CG: OH, HA HA! IF SMUG WAS A MOTORCYCLE, IT JUST JUMPED OVER A FUCKING CANYON.
 ?CG: THE CROWD GOES WILD WITH DISMAY, AND THEN COMMITS MASS SUICIDE.

CG: HOLD THAT THOUGHT WHILE I GO INFORM MY DISGRACE OF A CLOWN FRIEND ABOUT THIS TRUE REAL LIFE MIRACLE, IT MIGHT LIFT HIS SPIRITS
CG: I HAVE TO SPREAD THE WICKED WORD LIKE I’M MASSAGING SHITTY SPARKLEDUST AROUND MY NETHER REGIONS TO ASSUAGE A VICIOUS RASH
CG: IT’S LIKE I’M SEASONING A FUCKING STEAK HERE.

I HAVE A CRUCIAL DATE WITH A PNEUMATIC DRILL, TO BORE A HOLE IN THE CENTER OF MY FOREHEAD, DEEP INTO THE PLUMP ANGUISH BLADDER WHICH STORES MY ALIEN DISMAY FLUID.
CG: I WILL THEN PERFORM A LITTLE SOFT SHOE NUMBER IN THE PUDDLE OF FLUID THAT ACCUMULATES ON THE FLOOR, WHILE MAKING THE BIGGEST SMILE EVER ATTEMPTED BY SOMEONE NOT CLINICALLY RETARDED.

CCG: IT MUST BE PERIGEES EVE, BECAUSE GET A LOAD OF THIS HUGE BEHEMOTH LEAVING THAT JUST GOT DRAGGED IN.

I AM GOING TO FLIP MY SHIT RIGHT OFF THIS FUCKING METEOR
CG: IT WILL JUST BE ME, SPINNING AND SPINNING AND SPINNING INTO ENDLESS NOTHING, SCREAMING

CCG: IT’S LIKE TRYING TO DECIPHER AN INTRICATE COURTSHIP PROCESS BETWEEN AN ATTRACTIVE POTENTIAL MATESPRIT, AND SOME SORT OF VEGETABLE.
CCG: LIKE IT DOESN’T COMPUTE.

KARKAT: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE GODDAMN WAY.
KARKAT: I GOT A LAB FULL OF HUMANS, A MOUTH FULL OF YELLING, AND A TORTURED PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE FULL OF TOTALLY HYSTERICAL EMOTIONS AND UNAIRED GRIEVANCES AT PRACTICALLY EVERYBODY.

KARKAT: THE MAYOR’S FRIENDSHIP IS A UNIVERSAL CONSTANT, AND I AM INSULTED BEYOND COMPREHENSION AS WELL AS MY CAPACITY TO VOMIT THAT YOU WOULD INSINUATE OTHERWISE. 

KARKAT: THIS IS KILLING ME, HEARING THIS.
KARKAT: I SERIOUSLY WANT TO WEEP ACTUAL PUKE OUT OF MY EYEBALLS FROM THIS STORY.

KARKAT: THERE IS ONLY ONE COURSE OF ACTION FROM YOU WHICH I WILL TOLERATE, AND THAT IS FEEDING ME A STEADY DIET OF FUCKING ANSWERS! NOT CAGEY, SMIRK-TORTURED INFO-MORSELS DELIVERED BETWEEN SHITTY VILLAIN CHUCKLES, I WANT AN UNINTERRUPTED SPATE OF HARD, UNEMBELLISHED DATA WHICH HAS ONLY ONE PURPOSE, AND THAT IS TO GET ME PERSONALLY UP TO SPEED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING, RIGHT THIS BLOOD SHITTING SECOND!!!!! 

Complaints

CG: OH MY THROBBING PHLEGM LOBE, WHO GIVES A BARFING FUCK ABOUT THAT.

CG: I’M FED UP WITH THESE BACK DOOR NOOKBITING SHENANIGANS.

CG: DON’T EVEN TALK TO ME ABOUT HEADACHES.
CG: RIGHT NOW THERE’S A LUMBERJACK SPLITTING WOOD ON MY THINK PAN.
CG: HE’S GOT THE FOREARMS OF A CHOLERBEAR, A MOUNTAIN OF LOGS, AND NOTHING BUT FUCKING TIME.

CG: MY THINK PAN, IT HURTS
CG: IT IS PRESENTLY THREATENING TO MAKE ME ITS BITCH, JOHN. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
CG: DO YOU WANT YOUR COOL ALIEN PAL TO BECOME THE BITCH OF A RAW, THROBBING THINK PAN?????
CG: SUCH IS THE SCENARIO BEFORE US.

CCG: I JUST NEED TO AIR OUT SOME SHIT WITH SOMEBODY, AND EVERYONE HERE HAS THEIR HEADS SO FAR UP THEIR NOOKS I WANT TO SCREAM LOUDER THAN I USUALLY DO.
CCG: THEIR TROLL NOOKS *AND* HUMAN NOOKS, WHATEVER THE HELL A HUMAN NOOK EVEN *IS*.

FCG: (I WANT TO KILL MYSELF, BUT I CAN’T UNTIL THE CONVERSATION RUNS ITS COURSE. THIS IS THE WORST HELL IMAGINABLE.) 

KARKAT: THIS ALTERCATION IS BECOMING UNCOMFORTABLY PHYSICAL, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. 

KARKAT: THEY AREN’T OUR ANCESTORS. WE DON’T HAVE ANCESTORS.
KARKAT: ANCESTRAL LEGACIES ARE A LOT OF SUPERSTITIOUS, ARISTOCRATIC BULLSHITTERY, INVENTED BY HIGHBLOODS SO THEY GET TO FEEL EVEN MORE SMUG AND SELF SATISFIED THAN THEY ALREADY ARE.
KARKAT: EVEN IF WE DO HAVE THEM, WHO CARES? WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THESE PEOPLE?

KARKAT: OK, WOW, FINE!
KARKAT: FUCK THE CHAIR. PARDON ME FOR MAKING MYSELF COMFORTABLE DURING A SINCERE HEART TO HEART DISCUSSION WITH A DEAR FRIEND IN NEED!
KARKAT: BUT THE TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO CEASE STRADDLING THIS DEEPLY OFFENSIVE PIECE OF FURNITURE! AWAY WITH YE, FOUR LEGGED TEMPTRESS! DISTRACT US NO MORE WITH THE MOST BASIC AND UTILITARIAN FORM OF CREATURE COMFORT YOU SUPPLY!!!

CG: THIS ISN’T JOKE-AROUND PALTIME, DAVE!

KARKAT: THANKS JADE. NO REALLY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THOSE CLARIFICATIONS, WHILE OBLITERATING ANY SHADOW OF A DOUBT THAT YOU ARE FIRMLY OFF YOUR ROCKER. 

KARKAT: HOW MUCH BULLSHIT IS IT THAT WE’RE PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY TWO ASSHOLES LEFT WHO CAN’T FLY?! 

Sayings that basically translate Into “I don’t give a shit

CG: NOW MY CHUTE IS DOING A FUCKING STELLAR IMPRESSION OF SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT.

CCG: HEY FORGET THE BAN BUTTON, USE YOUR MIND POWERS TO HELP ME LOCATE THE DESPERATELY ATTEMPT TO GIVE A SHIT BUTTON. WHOOPS WE BOTH FAILED, IT DOESN’T EXIST.

KARKAT: WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE AND WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT YOU. 

KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW, I CAN’T KEEP ALL THESE GHOST NAMES STRAIGHT.
KARKAT: FLIPTUNA? MEOWLIN…
KARKAT: WASN’T THERE A CARLOS?
KARKAT: FUCK IT. THEY WERE ALL NAMED CARLOS AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED.

KARKAT: YOU APPEAR TO BE JUMPSTARTING A FACETIOUS DISCUSSION ABOUT SOME SORT OF HUMAN ECONOMIC IDEOLOGICAL FRAMEWORK, WITHOUT HAVING THE SLIGHTEST CLUE THAT YOUR VEHICLE IS PARKED SQUARELY IN THE NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ZONE. 

Talking about and/or insulting himself

CG: I DON’T PLAY PRANKS, THAT’S JUVENILE NONSENSE.
CG: I DO TWO THINGS AND TWO THINGS ONLY, I DEVASTATE SORRY MOTHERFUCKERS, AND GET SHIT DONE AS AN AWESOME LEADER.

CG: THAT’S A LIE, YOU’RE MORE OF A MELODRAMA SPAZ QUEEN THAN ME AND YOU KNOW IT AND THIS STUFF YOUR SAYING IS A PRETEND STUNT.

FCG: PAST ME IS THE DUMBEST BUCKET OF FESTERING DISCHARGE I EVER FELL ASS BACKWARDS INTO.

YOU’RE THE FUTUREST ME I EVER HAD THE CROTCH BLISTERING MISFORTUNE OF JAWING WITH, SO THE FUCKHEAD TROPHY GOES TO YOU.

FCG: I’M THE REAL ONE. YOU’RE FAKE, A SHADOW OF A SAD MEMORY THAT PISSED ITS PANTS WHILE SCREAMING.

LET’S FACE IT, I WAS REALLY BEING THE WORST KIND OF PHLEGM BUBBLE BLOWN OUT A NOISY GLISTENING ASS.
CG: SO I’M SORRY.

CG: I’M NOT AS MUCH OF A SCUMBAG AS I WAS SO DETERMINED TO MAKE OUT WITH MYSELF TO BE.
CG: FUCK I MEAN
CG: MAKE MYSELF OUT TO BE

CG: I AM BEING PLEASANT AND AGREEABLE, AND I WILL GENTLY LOWER A MAGNIFICENT, CORUSCATING COLUMN OF HOT FUCK YOU DOWN THE PROTEIN CHUTE OF ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE.

CG: I’M A DISGUSTING WORTHLESS BILGESACK ON THE GARGANTUAN TEAT OF A LABORING, LEPROUS MUSCLEBEAST. MY SELF ESTEEM IS SO SMALL, ITS EXISTENCE IS A MATTER OF CONJECTURE AMONG THEORETICAL PHYSICISTS. I SMELL SO BAD, THE STENCH CANNOT BE EXPRESSED WITH EVEN THE MOST ELOQUENT, FLORID LANGUAGE. THE ODOR MY BODY MAKES HAS MADE POETS CRY. I HAVE WON SPECIAL AWARDS FOR DISCOVERING NEW PLACES TO TOUCH MYSELF EROTICALLY WHILE FARTING. I UNFAIRLY PULVERIZE THE COMPETITION IN ASSHOLE PAGEANTS, AND I HAVE RECEIVED A LIFETIME BAN FROM UGLY CONTESTS BY PRESIDENT SHITFACE HIMSELF. MY BLOOD IS NOT FIT TO FLOW THROUGH A SEWER, AND MY SIGN IS A PICTOGRAPHIC SYMBOL THAT LOOSELY TRANSLATES AS “PLEASE HIKE THESE PANTS UP TO THIS GUY’S ARMPITS, CHAIN HIM TO A FLOGGING JUT, AND MAKE A FUCKING EXAMPLE OUT OF THIS SORRY SACK OF SHIT.” WHEN I LOOK IN A MIRROR, MY REFLECTION SLOWLY SHAKES HIS HEAD WHILE I WET MYSELF IN SHAME.

CCG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW WHY YOU CHANGED YOUR TEXT RED!
CCG: WE DON’T DO THAT. THE SHOWY, SELF-ABSORBED “PAINT YOUR TEXT IN YOUR BLOOD COLOR” THING. OR EYE COLOR, OR WHATEVER.
CCG: IT’S FOR ATTENTION-GREEDY, INSECURE LOSERS.

FCG: OH! I GET IT NOW.
FCG: WHEN I TYPE IN RED, IT’S SHOWY AND INSECURE, BUT WHEN YOU DO IT, YOU ARE SHOULDERING THE PRAGMATIC BURDEN OF A MARTYR, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS *MY* FUCKING IDEA TO DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE TEN MINUTES AGO!
FCG: YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
CCG: OK!!! GOD DAMMIT, STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE. I FUCKING APOLOGIZE.

FCG: YOU WANT HER IN EVERY QUADRANT LIKE A DESPERATE FOOL.
FCG: DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU’VE BECOME? YOU ARE THE SAD JOKE CHARACTER IN THE ROMCOM, YOU KNOW THE GUY I’M TALKING ABOUT.
FCG: WHO’S GREEDY AND INDISCRIMINATE ABOUT FILLING EVERY QUADRANT, TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS TO IT, AND IN THE END HAS FUCKALL TO SHOW FOR IT.

CCG: FUCK YOU FOREVER. FUCK EVERY TEN-MINUTES-AHEAD VERSION OF MYSELF ALL THE WAY INTO TEN-MINUTE-FUCKING-ETERNITY. 

CCG: YEAH, WELL YOU MADE YOUR COCOON, PAL. NOW WE HAVE TO TAKE TURNS SHITTING IN IT, TOGETHER. IT IS THE MOST PATHETIC, SMELLIEST DANCE OF ALL. 

KARKAT: THIS IS MOSTLY MY FAULT. I WASN’T VIGILANT ENOUGH WITH HIM, AND I LET OUR MOIRALLEGIANCE BREAK DOWN.
KARKAT: IF I KEPT A CLOSER EYE ON HIM, MAYBE HE WOULDN’T HAVE LURED YOU INTO HIS SPINNING TENT OF SHIT.
TEREZI: NO, YOU SHOULDNT F33L L1K3…
KARKAT: OR MAYBE IT’S KANAYA’S FAULT? SHE’S ALWAYS BEEN A REALLY GOOD AUSPISTICE. MAYBE SHE COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS, IF SHE WASN’T SO PREOCCUPIED HERSELF.
KARKAT: NO WAIT! IT’S ACTUALLY MY FAULT AGAIN! IF I HAD BEEN ON THE BALL AND AUSPISTICIZED BETWEEN HER AND ROSE, SHE WOULD HAVE HAD THE TIME TO AUSPISTICIZE BETWEEN YOU AND GAMZEE!
KARKAT: DAMMIT, I ALWAYS SAY I KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT ROMANCE, YET I ROUTINELY UNDERESTIMATE ITS COMPLEXITY, SO I ONLY FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO AFTER IT’S WAY TOO LATE!
KARKAT: GOD I’M SO STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID

KARKAT: I’M JUST TRYING TO BE SUPPORTIVE HERE.
KARKAT: BUT I’M NOT ALWAYS SURE WHAT THE RIGHT THING TO SAY IS!

KARKAT: UNLIKE EVERYONE ELSE EVER, I HAPPEN TO MAKE A PRACTICE OF CAPTCHALOGUING ITEMS WHICH MIGHT BE CONVENIENT ON A DAY TO DAY BASIS.
KARKAT: SAY I’M STROLLING AROUND AND FIND MYSELF IN NEED OF A PLACE TO SIT? BAM. SUDDENLY, A CHAIR.

 

Things I didn’t actually know how to categorize

CG: OH.
CG: HA HA!
CG: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
CG: THIS IS THE LITTLE WORD HUMANS SAY REPEATEDLY WHEN SOMETHING TICKLES THEIR ABSURDITY PALATE, RIGHT?

CG: JOHN WHAT THE WET BAG OF HUMAN HORSE SHIT TO THE FACE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING.

CG: YEAH OF COURSE, WE HAVE TONS OF MOVIES AND THEY ARE INFINITELY SUPERIOR TO YOUR PRIMITIVE CINEMATIC NEANDERTHRASHINGS.

CG: TELL HER TO POLISH MY HEAVING BONE BULGE AND SET A TABLE FOR FUCKING TWO ON IT.
CG: ITS FOR OUR CANDLE LIGHT HATE DATE.

CG: I FIND THAT HIGHLY IMPLAUSIBLE.
CG: I’M NOT FALLING FOR ANY MORE OF YOUR HUMAN PRANKS.
CG: “NICE TRY” JOHN
CG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

EB: yeah, i guess now that you mention it, i am finding it all a little strange…
CG: OH, ONLY JUST NOW???
CG: FUCK YOU ARE FAST, I HOPE YOU GOT THE MAD BOONBUCKS TO PAY OFF THOSE SPEEDING TICKETS.

CG: I WAS OBVIOUSLY JUST SPITING YOUR STUPID POINTLESS HUMAN DARE.
CG: WHAT IS A DARE ANYWAY, IT’S NOTHING.
CG: SOMEONE SAYS DO SOMETHING AND THEN, OH LAUGH LAUGH, YOU LOSE IF YOU DON’T DO IT.
CG: THAT ISN’T ANYTHING THAT DESERVES A WORD.
CG: WE DON’T EVEN HAVE A WORD FOR DARE IN OUR LANGUAGE.
CG: THE CLOSEST APPROXIMATION WOULD BE “WORTHLESS FUCKING BULLSHIT WASTE OF TIME FOR SILLY LITTLE CHILDREN”
EB: oh, wow.
EB: is that the title of a movie too?

CG: YES, IT’S THE TITLE OF EVERY DUMB MOVIE YOU EVER LIKED.

CG: YOU ALL TRACE THE MYTHOLOGICAL FOOTSTEPS OF YOUR BELOVED HUMAN SUPERMAN WHO’S REALLY JUST A MUSCULAR CAUCASIAN ALIEN.
CG: IT’S HILARIOUS HOW HUMANS WORSHIP HIM AS A PINNACLE OF HUMAN HEROISM AND VIRTUE BUT HE ISN’T EVEN HUMAN.
CG: ACTUALLY IT’S INCREDIBLY PATHETIC.
CG: BUT ALSO IN A WAY KIND OF ADMIRABLE.
CG: BECAUSE IT MEANS DEEP DOWN YOU ALL MUST REALIZE WHO YOUR DADDY IS.
CG: WE ARE, BITCHES.

CG: PERFECT FOR WHAT, FLEXING YOUR FORMIDABLE MENTAL HANDICAP LIKE A FUCKING HEAVYWEIGHT FOR THE NEXT SEVERAL MINUTES?
CG: OH WAIT, LET ME CHECK, THE ANSWER IS YES.

CG: WHAT IN THE SWEET ALMIGHTY TAINTCHAFING FUCK DO YOU WANT.

CG: I WONDER WHAT KIND OF SHITTY THING I DID TO DESERVE SUCH AN AWFUL BEST FRIEND.
CG: OR MAYBE WHAT TERRIBLE THING I’M GOING TO DO AND GET PUNISHED FOR IN ADVANCE.
CG: MAYBE I’M JUST LIKE PREEMPTIVELY THE WORST FUCKING PIECE OF TRASH WHO EVER LIVED AND DON’T EVEN KNOW IT YET, BUT HEY LOOK, YOUR FRIENDSHIP IS EXHIBIT A I GUESS.

CG: I MEAN YOU CAN BUT IT WON’T DO ANY GOOD BECAUSE I’M THE LEADER AND THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO EVACUATE THROUGH YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE ON THE MATTER.

CG: OH THANK GOD YOU JUST SAID SOMETHING NORMAL, I WAS STARTING TO WORRY THERE.
CG: WHEW BACK IN SANE LAND.

CG: IT’S GOING TO FONDLE MAJOR SEEDFLAP, BUT HOPEFULLY IT’LL BE QUICK.

CG: NO, THIS IS NOT ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR WHAT BULLSHIT IS.

CG: KARKAT THINKS ABOUT THAT A BIT AND HIS JAW DROPS OPEN AND BREAKS A HUGE COLUMN OF BRICKS LIKE A FUCKING KUNG FU MASTER.

CG: I APOLOGIZE TO MYSELF FOR OFFERING YOU A SHITTY MEANINGLESS APOLOGY.
CG: APOLOGY ACCEPTED, KARKAT. LET’S BURY THE THRESHER WITH A TOTALLY PLATONIC BRO BULGE BUMP.
CG: BUMP HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

EVERYONE CAN GO POINT THEIR PROBING BUSYBODY SNIFFNODES UP THEIR OWN IMPERTINENT SEED FLAPS.

CCG: MORE LOONEYBLOCK THEATER, AND HERE I AM DRAWING THE CURTAINS FOR YOU GUYS LIKE A DOPE.

CG: ATTENTION WORTHLESS HUMAN.
CG: THIS IS YOUR GOD SPEAKING.
CG: IT IS A WRATHFUL GOD WHO DESPISES YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLY DARED TO FEAR.
CG: I HAVE WATCHED YOUR ENTIRE PATHETIC LIFE UNFOLD.
CG: I HAVE OBSERVED YOU WHILE YOU WOULD QUAKE AND TREMBLE IN PERSONAL PRAYERS OF SHAME.
CG: WHILE YOU PLEADED FORGIVENESS FOR BEING SUCH A WRETCHED DISGUSTING FAILURE ON EVERY CONCEIVABLE LEVEL.
CG: PROSTRATE BEFORE THE STUPID AND FALSE CLOWN GODS YOU HAVE SCRIBBLED ON THE WALLS OF YOUR BLOCK.
CG: BOGUS DEITIES WORSHIPED BY A PRIMITIVE “PARADISE” PLANET.
CG: BUT YOUR PRAYERS WILL NOT BE ANSWERED.
CG: THERE ARE NO MIRACLES IN STORE FOR YOU, HUMAN.
CG: ONLY MY HATE.
CG: IT IS A HATE SO PURE AND HOT IT WOULD CONSUME YOUR SAD UNDERDEVELOPED HUMAN THINK PAN TO EVEN CONTEMPLATE.
CG: IT IS A HATE THAT TO FATHOM MUST BE PUT INTO SONG.
CG: SHRIEKED BY THE TEN THOUSAND ROWDY SHOUT SPHINCTERS PEPPERING THE GRUESOME UNDERBELLY OF THE MOST TRUCULENT GOD THE FURTHEST RING CAN MUSTER.
CG: IT IS A HATE THAT MADE YOU AND WILL SURELY DESTROY YOU.
CG: MY HATE IS THE LIFEBLOOD THAT PULSES THROUGH THE VEINS OF YOUR UNIVERSE.
CG: IT IS MY GIFT TO YOU.
CG: YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THAT.
CG: YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT.

CG: JOHN, WHY WOULD I GIVE A PUNGENT WHIPPING LUMPSQUIRT WHAT YOUR NAME IS.

CG: I DIDN’T WRIGGLE OUT OF A PUDDLE OF SLIME YESTERDAY.


CG: I MEAN THAT IT SEEMS LIKE WE ARE CONNECTED IN SOME WAY, DON’T YOU THINK JOHN.
CG: SORT OF COSMICALLY.
CG: LIKE OUR HATE FOR EACH OTHER IS SO STRONG IT MUST HAVE BEEN WRITTEN IN THE STARS.
CG: YOU KNOW, THE ONES I FUCKING MADE FOR YOU.

WHETHER SHE AND I HAVE A THING OR DON’T HAVE A THING, OR TOOK A ROMANTIC HOT AIR BALLOON RIDE SUSPENDED IN A GODDAMN FILIAL PAIL TOGETHER
CG: IT’S DEFINITELY NONE OF YOUR FUCKING EARTH BUSINESS, EGBERT HUMAN JOHN.


YOU’RE DOWN WITH MY TROLLING PLAN.
CCG: WHY DON’T YOU TELL EVERYONE IN RAINBOW ASSGRAB JUNCTION WHAT A GREAT IDEA IT IS.

I’M YOUR LEADER BECAUSE OF MY INCREDIBLE TACTICAL SKILLS AND MY ABILITY TO MOBILIZE AND MOTIVATE A BUNCH OF USELESS PEOPLE TOWARD A COMMON GOAL, AND BECAUSE I’M EXTREMELY AMBITIOUS AND INTREPID. ALSO BECAUSE LEADERSHIP IS IN MY BLOOD. WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS.

 ?CG: STRIDER FUCK OFF
 ?CG: AND BY FUCK OFF I MEAN FUCK OFF RIGHT BACK HERE AND LISTEN, YOU INSUFFERABLE PRICK.


CG: WELL OOH LA LA.
CG: EXCUSE MY DISDAIN FOR YOUR BLUE BLOODED VERNACULAR.

CG: YES DAVE, I WAS ASLEEP AT ONE POINT.
CG: IT STANDS TO REASON I AM NOW AND WILL ALWAYS BE ASLEEP AT EVERY POINT ON ALL TIMELINES.
CG: THAT REALLY MAKES A LOT OF FUCKING SENSE.

 ?CG: GUESS WHAT THIS CONVERSATION IS ABOUT! NOT THAT PARTICULAR TOPIC.
 ?CG: ALSO GUESS WHOSE BUSINESS THAT STILL ISN’T, FUCKING YOURS, THAT’S RIGHT.

 ?CG: SHUT YOUR SQUAWK GAPER AND STAY PUT.

CG: WHAT IN THE NAME OF SWEET GLOBE TICKLING FUCK.

CG: I THINK I AM ON THE VERGE OF BECOMING A RELIGIOUS PERSON, I JUST DON’T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO TURN TO REMOVE THE AWESOME SUFFERING THAT TROLLIAN’S TEMPORAL CHAT BULLSHIT MIRACULOUSLY CONTINUES TO INFLICT ON ME.
CG: MAYBE THE MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS WILL COME AND TAKE MY PAIN AWAY?? OH YES, THAT SOUNDS HEAVENLY.
CG: JADE, PLEASE EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO PAINT MY FACE TO OUTWARDLY REFLECT THE BEAUTY OF MY INNER AWAKENING, AND DRUB MY THINK PAN MERCILESSLY TO REDUCE MY INTELLIGENCE TO THE LEVEL NECESSARY TO SUSTAIN THESE BELIEFS.

JEGUS MOTHER OF SCREAMING FUCK.

KARKAT: IS IT SAFE TO POKE OUR HEADS UP FROM THIS GULCH OF IDIOTIC BANTER AND SEE IF THE COAST IS CLEAR FOR ADULT, BUSINESSLIKE CONVERSATION?

KARKAT: WHAT DOES HONK MEAN THIS TIME YOU WHIMSICAL PIECE OF SHIT?????
KARKAT: DON’T YOU START WITH ME
KARKAT: DO. NOT. START WITH ME.
KARKAT: I WILL GET YOU IN A HEADLOCK SO TIGHT IT WILL BE A MIRACLE IF PEOPLE DON’T MISTAKE OUR TUSSLE FOR AN ILL CONCEIVED VENTRILOQUIST ACT.
KARKAT: I WILL SHOOSH YOU AGAIN, SO HELP ME GOD. I WILL SHOOSH YOUR CLOWN ASS TO SHANGRI-BULLSHIT-LA AND BACK, AND FILL YOUR EAR WITH MY WHITE HOT PALEBRO SPITTLE.
KARKAT: I AM FULL AND FUCKING WELL PREPARED TO GET CONCILIATORY WITH YOU AGAIN IF YOU SO MUCH AS PASS GAS MURDEROUSLY, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
KARKAT: IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT??? DO I NEED TO CALM YOUR FAYGO-STICKY TENTSQUATTING SHIT DOWN AGAIN????

KARKAT: THAT’S WHAT YOU DO WHEN THERE’S A LEADER AROUND TRYING TO MAKE PLANS, RIGHT?
KARKAT: YOU DROP YOUR IQ HARDER THAN A PAIR OF HILARIOUSLY PLUMMETING PANTS, YOU CEASELESSLY RAMBLE ABOUT VAPID BULLSHIT, YOU RUN AROUND HIDING ALL OF YOUR WORLDLY POSSESSIONS IN TREASURE CHESTS, AND THEN EVERYONE STARTS MURDERING EACH OTHER.

KARKAT: THANK YOU, DARK GODS! THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!!! YOU WIN THIS ROUND! YOU WIN ALL THE ROUNDS APPARENTLY!!!!! THERE ARE NO ROUNDS EVEN. THERE’S JUST YOUR SLIMY TENDRILS, OUR NAKED BODIES, AND EPOCHS OF MOLESTATION.

KARKAT: HOLY
KARKAT: FUCKING
KARKAT: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
KARKAT: HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
KARKAT: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
KARKAT: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

FCG: ?????? <- SARCASTIC WONDER. 

CCG: OK, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GO FROM ZERO TO DOUCHE LIKE IN THE BLINK OF A FUCKING GLANCE NUGGET. 

I WAS TRYING TO PAY YOU A COMPLIMENT YOU ANTAGONIZING FUCK. 

CCG: SHUT THE FUCK UP. THAT’S THE EXACT KIND OF MELODRAMA I’M TALKING ABOUT, WE’RE BETTER THAN THAT NOW MAN. 

CCG: IF WE ARE TO TAKE SOME LESSON FROM THAT, WHAT IS IT!
CCG: “TRY TO BE GREAT AND SUCCESSFUL, BUT MAYBE NOT TOOOO GREAT AND SUCCESSFUL?”
CCG: OR MAYBE DON’T TRY AT ALL IN SOME CASES! BECAUSE IF YOU DO, SOME GIANT FUCKING SQUID IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE IS GOING TO BE LIKE, NOT SO FAST, MY HIDEOUS MONSTER PLANS BEG TO DIFFER.

CCG: AND HIS HORNS ARE SO NUBBY, THEY DON’T EVEN EXIST! TALK ABOUT HITTING THE JACKPOT. 

CCG: FINE, GET OUT OF HERE! GOOD RIDDANCE!
CCG: AS IF I COULD TAKE ANOTHER SPONGE WRINGING MINUTE OF YOUR DISINGENUOUS DRIVEL.

DAVE: just stepping out to do a thing
DAVE: which is not your business
KARKAT: LIKE MY INFLAMED QUAKING GALLSPHINCTER IT’S NOT.

KARKAT: NOTICE THE TWO HEAVILY DRAMATIZED “ENCLOSURE TALONS” SURROUNDING THAT WORD, WHICH I AM SCORNFULLY PANTOMIMING WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS, AS PRESENTLY BEING DEMONSTRATED FOR YOU. 

KARKAT: HE’S NOT A MAYOR. HE’S THE MAYOR OF FUCKSTICK JUNCTION LOCATED SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF PRETEND ASS NOWHERE.
DAVE: hes a mayor you douche his thing says mayor
KARKAT: IT SAYS “MAYO” AND HE WROTE THE “R” HIMSELF.
KARKAT: HE’S AT BEST A MAYO. AND WHO EVER HEARD OF A MAYO? IT’S EVERY BIT AS IMAGINARY AS HIS IDENTITY AS AN ELECTED OFFICIAL.

KARKAT: ISN’T IT FUNNY HOW QUICKLY YOUR BULLSHIT UNRAVELS WHEN SOMEONE INTELLIGENT ACTUALLY HOLDS YOU ACCOUNTABLE??

KARKAT: WHAT I DO WITH MY LEGS AND HOW FAST I MOVE THEM IS MY BUSINESS YOU SHIT. 

KARKAT: ANYONE CAN SEE THAT, IT’S THE SHITTIEST KEPT SECRET ON THIS METEOR. PROBABLY EVEN THE FUCKING MAYOR GETS IT, AND LET’S FACE IT, HE’S A LITTLE SLOW.

KARKAT: I HAVE SEEN THOUSANDS OF TROLL ROMANCE FILMS, EACH DEALING WITH TOPICS FAR MORE SUBTLE AND COMPLEX THAN YOUR PEDESTRIAN HUMAN MIND COULD EVER GRASP.
KARKAT: AND IN CASE YOU’VE FORGOTTEN, I’VE ALREADY WATCHED HUNDREDS OF YOUR MORE PRIMITIVE BUT MODERATELY ENTERTAINING ROMANCE FILMS.
KARKAT: REMEMBER HOW I DOWNLOADED A FUCK TON OF THEM AFTER DISCOVERING YOUR SPECIES? I AM A CURIOUS MAN, DAVE, YOU COULD LEARN FROM ME.

KARKAT: IT’S NOT A SHIPPING GRID YOU OBTUSE FUCK.

KARKAT: IN MY MIND’S EYE I AM PICTURING A BEAUTIFUL LATTICE OF LINES AND COMPARTMENTS, INTERLOCKING WITH SUBLIME PRECISION AT NINETY DEGREE ANGLES.
KARKAT: I IMAGINE THIS MODULAR RETICULATION AS AN ELEGANT VESSEL, IF YOU WILL, FOR THE GRAND SYNTHESIS OF OUR SHARED SHIPPING DREAMS.

KARKAT: YOU DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND THE SOCIAL IMPLICATIONS OF ALL THIS HOSTILE TOUCHING AND GRABBING DO YOU???
KARKAT: I DON’T FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT YOU STRIDER, JUST STEP OFF.

KARKAT: YOUR WISDOM, MY GOD
KARKAT: IT’S KNOCKING MY SOCKS OFF. HOLY SHIT, PLEASE TELL ME THE SECRET TO YOUR WISE WAYS.
KARKAT: AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, MAYBE YOU COULD TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.

KARKAT: MOTHERFUCKER, PLEASE.
KARKAT: DO YOU THINK I’M AN IDIOT?

KARKAT: AT LAST!
KARKAT: WE ARE FREE FROM THE ACCURSED INSTRUMENT OF ASS ELEVATION!

KARKAT: HOW COULD I STEAL SOMETHING FROM THE COMMON AREA? NOBODY ACTUALLY OWNS ANY OF THAT FUCKING FURNITURE.
KARKAT: THAT’S WHY IT’S CALLED THE *COMMON* AREA, YOU ACCUSATORY PIECE OF FILTH.

KARKAT: WHY DON’T YOU BE USEFUL AND SAY SOMETHING REASSURING TO OUR SAD MUTUAL BUDDY, YOU WAILING JET ENGINE OF INFANTILE STULTILOQUENCE??????

KARKAT: BRRRRRR!
KARKAT: DID YOU FEEL THAT TOO KANAYA? A CHILL JUST RAN DOWN MY TORSO PILLAR DUE TO ALL THE *PURE EVIL* THAT BRAINWASHED JADE IS SAYING! I’M FUCKING PETRIFIED, SOMEBODY HELP ME CHANGE MY SMELLY PANTS!

KARKAT: (ROLLING MY DAMN EYES)

KARKAT: SHE WANTS US ALL TO GET A NICE HEAD START ON OUR DECADENT NEW LIFE OF SLAVERY PROMISED FOR US ON YOUR SCALE MODEL OF ALTERNIEARTH.
KARKAT: THAT SOUNDS SUPER! DOESN’T THAT SOUND SUPER KANAYA?
KANAYA: No
KARKAT: I THINK I SPEAK FOR KANAYA WHEN I SAY IT SOUNDS Really Fucking Super.
KARKAT: HOW DO WE GET STARTED??? I AM JUST BEFOULING MY ALREADY-PUNGENT DRAWERS OVER THE OPPORTUNITY TO GET DOWN TO BUSINESS AND START DOING SLAVERY!

KARKAT: WOW…
KARKAT: WOW!!!!!!!
KARKAT: KANAYA, IT’S OFFICIAL. JADE HAS TURNED INTO SOME SORT OF GROSS NIGHTMARE BITCH!
KARKAT: AS THE BELEAGUERED AND LONG SUFFERING LEADER, ALBEIT *STILL* LEADER OF OUR PARTY, I MOTION THAT WE DON’T DO ANYTHING SHE SAYS, OR ANYTHING TO HELP THE EMPRESS EVEN IF IT OVERLAPS WITH OUR OWN INTERESTS, AND STOP LISTENING TO WERE-HARLEY UNTIL SHE SNAPS OUT OF HER BRUTAL IDIOT COMA!
KANAYA: I Second Your Motion
KARKAT: THE MOTION PASSES WITH AN OVERWHELMING MAJORITY OF VOTES AMONG PEOPLE IN THE IMMEDIATE VICINITY WHO AREN’T HORRIBLE!

Now, let us just take a moment to admire all these beautiful masterpieces Karkat has created, shall we?

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